Derailed

Hello readers and passersby -

Sorry the long wait between posts. I hurt my back about two weeks ago and have been visiting the chiropractor and lying on ice packs along with all the usual comings and goings. Still shuttling my daughter back and forth to school each day, which takes about 45 minutes both ways not including major DC traffic happenings. Still job searching - a post with a school down the road from the school I used to work for sent me a rejection letter and that's the only interview I've been on since losing my job. However, a little bit of hope came my way on Wednesday - I have a job interview for this Wednesday.

I've had some ideas for blog posts as well as an idea for a couple of short stories - I don't want to say anything about the ideas, as when I usually say anything, the wind leaves the sails and all creative momentum is lost. I've started some work and as usual, things get in the way, but I'm trying to make sure I don't forget about it completely. The blog posts at least will be up soon - maybe a bit of the stories if I get up the nerve.

Until then. :)

K

Random

And now for something not relevant to anything going on anywhere in the world at all...

I'm drinking a glass of red wine (Cabernet Sauvignon) with a bowl of apple cinnamon generic Cheerios for dinner.

Yes, I realize how horrible that sounds. It's actually not bad.

This is, however, a perfect reflection of the Way Things Go around here. At least once or twice a weeknight, the evening has been such chaos for one reason or another, that I'm throwing together whatever seems convenient before going to bed for a Dead Man's sleep (that is, dead-to-the-world-sleep where you fall asleep and then, it seems, are just as quickly awake at 6am). I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, with or without kids.

Currently, the Way Things Go around here involves a special bathtime ritual for my daughter, who has eczema, hockey playoffs (Go Wings! Go Caps!), making two round-trip drives to my daughters' school to drop her off, come home, go pick her up later and come home yet again (during prime DC area traffic times when I'm already driving 2 suburbs away) and trying to do job searches and fill out job applications while entertaining a very physical and excitable almost-3-year-old.

A little crazy...

Also in the midst of all of this, last night my neighbors were having a mini-Rave/Techno music studio session at 2:30am right next to my son's room. It was a very early day today. Once my son wakes up, he won't go back down until I'm with him, which is something we're working on. I have no shame in saying I woke my husband up and told him to go next door and yell at our neighbors, since I couldn't do it myself. Also, today Tom told me they were piggy-backing on our house wireless network. Nice.

Oh, yes, did I mention wine makes me a bit rambly?

Ritual

On a nightly basis, this is where you will find me between about 7:45 - 9:30pm on average. Sitting up against my son's crib in the dark, listening to music on my iPod and catching up on the "news" or writing on my laptop. All while holding my son's hand, through the bars of the crib until he falls asleep. I leave his room every night with the indentation of the bar slats in small, red strokes down my wrist and forearm.

I complain about this ritual consistently - "If only he could fall asleep on his own!" The time I would get back! The soreness of my back and ass could go away! He would get more sleep, not having my left hand to play with and kiss, like lovey - and I would lose the ability to type REALLY well with one hand (seriously, I'm freakishly good at it now).

Secretly? I love it. I love the way his fat little fingers hold my hand, sometimes just my index finger, sometimes squeezing the whole bunch. I love how when he's upset, he strokes my thumb's fingernail like a prayer bead - again and again and again. When he's wide-awake and I'm exhausted, ready for him to just magically pass out - I love the little games that he plays with my fingers and whatever toy currently has his fancy that he must sleep with. Right now, it's his Thomas trains.

Ok, I totally admit it - sometimes I even look forward to this time. It can be great - alone in the dark, having time almost to myself and reading or writing down a new idea. Or just listening to the sounds out his open window when the weather is nice and the wind is breezing through and his breathing is slow and soft and content...

When he's been read to and cuddled, kissed goodnight and laid down on his pillow, his little voice calling, "I want your hand, Mommy," it's just the sweetest sound.

It was the same way with my daughter - we had the same ritual. Reading time, then some cuddle time, kisses and hugs and goodnights and then - "Mommy, will you snuggle me?" Who the hell can say no to that?

Guess when she started going to sleep on her own?

Just a few weeks ago.

I'm doomed to be happily tortured every evening from 8-9 for at least another year or two.

Field Day

Just back from a field trip with my daughter's kindergarten class. Lots of fun in the woods. It was a Field Day at Lake Fairfax with all the trimmings - picnic outside, singing patriotic songs while accompanied by acoustic guitar (This Land is Your Land), playing Tug of War and Sharks & Minnows (which I think is just Capture the Flag) and plenty of hiking. My daughter had a blast. My son, who is younger, came as well and had fun making me chase after him. He thought it was very cool to hang out with the big kids.

I was let go from my job almost 2 weeks ago and while it's been sucky and stressful - it was really nice to be free today and to just hang out with my kids on a school trip. Instead of having to worry about when I'd have to be back to work, we were just playing and having fun.

The being-laid-off thing has been a huge curve ball...our situation has been ideal for so long and of course, everything was set up perfectly in regards to having manageable school care for the kids while still bringing home some kind of income. I suppose it was only a matter of time before fate threw a wrench into the whole thing. I don't have a problem with change, per se - I have a problem with writing resumes and filling out applications.

It's a very humbling experience - almost depressing. Taking a good, hard look at your working life and realizing, "Wow. I haven't done a damn thing." It's especially difficult since I've never finished college - one thing or another, usually having to do with money, always got in the way. Nothing like getting knocked down further when you're trying to pull yourself up.

Thank goodness for days like today, when the most important thing in the world to your daughter is having her mommy come on her class trip. Also right up there is having your son kiss your boo-boo's - right after he's done giving you the boo-boo's. :) (We call him Tank)

K