Friday, May 1, 2009


On a nightly basis, this is where you will find me between about 7:45 - 9:30pm on average. Sitting up against my son's crib in the dark, listening to music on my iPod and catching up on the "news" or writing on my laptop. All while holding my son's hand, through the bars of the crib until he falls asleep. I leave his room every night with the indentation of the bar slats in small, red strokes down my wrist and forearm.

I complain about this ritual consistently - "If only he could fall asleep on his own!" The time I would get back! The soreness of my back and ass could go away! He would get more sleep, not having my left hand to play with and kiss, like lovey - and I would lose the ability to type REALLY well with one hand (seriously, I'm freakishly good at it now).

Secretly? I love it. I love the way his fat little fingers hold my hand, sometimes just my index finger, sometimes squeezing the whole bunch. I love how when he's upset, he strokes my thumb's fingernail like a prayer bead - again and again and again. When he's wide-awake and I'm exhausted, ready for him to just magically pass out - I love the little games that he plays with my fingers and whatever toy currently has his fancy that he must sleep with. Right now, it's his Thomas trains.

Ok, I totally admit it - sometimes I even look forward to this time. It can be great - alone in the dark, having time almost to myself and reading or writing down a new idea. Or just listening to the sounds out his open window when the weather is nice and the wind is breezing through and his breathing is slow and soft and content...

When he's been read to and cuddled, kissed goodnight and laid down on his pillow, his little voice calling, "I want your hand, Mommy," it's just the sweetest sound.

It was the same way with my daughter - we had the same ritual. Reading time, then some cuddle time, kisses and hugs and goodnights and then - "Mommy, will you snuggle me?" Who the hell can say no to that?

Guess when she started going to sleep on her own?

Just a few weeks ago.

I'm doomed to be happily tortured every evening from 8-9 for at least another year or two.


  1. That is SO SWEET. I love that!! You are such a good mom.

  2. Heh. Enjoy it while you got it, Katsk. They grow up and catch headlice in no time at all...

  3. Why don't you take him into your room and let him sleep within sight of you? I can guarantee he won't want to be there when he's twenty-five - or five even.
    I'll bet you it was a man who made up the rule that mothers aren't allowed to have heir babies in their bed.

    I kept mine close by in the bottom drawer of a dresser beside my bed - it is the smell of you he craves - your hand is how he keeps you beside him. Turn the tables - keep him beside you and it won't take an hour for him to go to sleep - it'll be ten minutes. Then the rest of the our is yours.