Thursday, December 3, 2009


So...I've been writing lately. Poems. But it's been so long and I'm rusty. So just so I can keep going and practicing, I'm going to post them here so I can let them go and just kind of - grow - without me thinking about them. And I can look at them in a fresher way later on. Comments are fine - just be careful with my fragile ego, please. :)


i learned a long time ago
that simple can be dangerous
difficult is richer than easy
simple lends itself to black and white
i want my complicated shades of grey
blur the black and white


a long day is over
full of tasks checked off
messes cleaned up
meals made and enjoyed
the noise ebbed away
leaving the hum of a sleeping house
in bed finally
pillow holding my head
flannel sheets curving around me
breathing in your scent
but it's too big
and the fabric doesn't warm
without you in it to hold me
and kiss me goodnight


you feel so
to me
your hair sliding through my fingers
like rosary beads
touching you
burns a hole in my heart
warm smooth skin
i burrow into your chest
and throw your arms around me
like diving under the covers
close my eyes
and all i smell
is grassy soap
and heat
roll over
and i hit a wall
of cold space
you were so
to me

(You have no idea how long it took to publish this post and how I tried to talk myself out of it...)

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I'm Not Dead, Unless This Is Supposed To Be A Funny Dream...

Things are in full swing here in NOVA.

Anabelle has surpassed all my anxiety about the start of the school year. I cannot be more proud of her.
New School, where she knows no one and no one knows her? No problem. She's making friends and doing her own things, really starting to become more of her own person.
Another year of kindergarten (she was too young for public school last year, so we enrolled her in a private program and her teacher recommended to us that she have another year)? No problem - she's a bit out front of her other classmates, but that is bolstering her confidence in her abilities in a big way. Her current career goal is an artist. Before bed one night, I'm helping her read a book and I notice a picture and crayons out on her desk. I ask her why her crayons are out, after the Baz-Drawing-Train-Tracks-On-The-Carpet fiasco. She sighs dramatically and says, "Oh, Momma, I'm an ARTIST and that picture isn't done. When I'm ready, I need my crayons to be right there."

Sebastian is growing before my eyes as well. The break from day care has been really good for him, as well as having some good Mommy time while Anabelle is at school. He's always been a great independent player, but now he makes up the best adventures. I can hear him "narrating" with his trains and cars when he plays. He's also more interested in me reading to him and we go to the library several times in the week. However he's still completely independent and stubborn - no interest whatsoever in potty training. He doesn't care if his older friends can do it, doesn't want any bribe for his efforts - no interest whatsoever. It's a bit frustrating. Otherwise, he's all about doing everything for himself and gets irritated if you even try to assist. He is also perfecting his Jedi Mind Trick:

Baz: "Momma, I have snack?"
Me: "I'm making dinner - we'll eat soon."
Baz; "Please, you want to give me a snack?"
Me: "Not now."
Baz: "You WANT to!"

Tom is doing great - he's been having Band Practice sporadically with his old band mates from high school. Work is the same - prepping computers for new employees, doing maintenance on computers for people who don't know how to use them. He has amusing conversations with Dell's Tech Support People. They apparently can't end a tech chat - the customer has to. Tom also had the good luck of being a big fan of Faith No More and being friends with a guy who's as big a fan as he is - a friend won tickets to the first show of their first tour after ten years apart, at the Brixton Academy in London. So he got to check out an amazing show and go to London. Yea, a little bit jealous.

As for me, I'm still on the search for gainful employment - mostly taking care of and enjoying the kiddos and doing house stuff. Turned 30 in October and had an appropriate blowout, thanks to Tom and friends. Received a surprise visit by Red just in time for my actual birthday and Halloween - that was a great present. And while things are a bit tough right now, I'm still very thankful for what we have.

And there's an update.

Friday, July 17, 2009

The Half-Blood Prince: Half the book made into a Whole Movie

The latest Harry Potter movie opened Wednesday night at midnight and yes, I was excited. Since I no longer have to worry about being at work at a certain point each day, I decided this was an occasion to stay out late and have some alone time. At least, alone being without my kids or the husband. I couldn't help all the other people who wanted to see the movie straightaway also.

I caught on to the book series the summer I graduated from high school, through a friend who was also recommended the book by a friend. The first chapter of the first book was a bit of a slog, but after that, I was hooked. For the end of the series in 2007, I re-read the entire series. My favorites in particular are Prisoner of Azkaban, Half-Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows. They all have their charms, but Azkaban I can read stand-alone and be satisfied and the final two books are just an amazing contrast from how they all started, with Sorcerer's Stone.

Like any book person I know, it's tough to watch the film adaptation and be satisfied. The only one that immediately comes to mind is Silence of the Lambs - the movie is exactly the same as the book. But that's an entirely separate argument.

I wanted to enjoy HBP - I did enjoy it. Just not as much as I would have if they hadn't left half the book out. Yes, I realize they have to cut a lot - it's a long book and the average movie-goer doesn't want to sit in a theater for 4 hours watching a sentence-by-sentence copy of the book. But there were also scenes added to the movie that were not in the book at all. If they had room to add crap that they made up or took from a future book, then they had room to get in the important stuff.

Spoilers ahead, if you haven't read the book or seen the movie.

The movie opens with an entirely new scene - No Dursleys, just Harry in a coffee shop getting hit on by a hot chick. Nothing wrong with that in terms of plot - except in the book, Harry is visited by Dumbledore while still at the Dursleys and he gives them the talking-to that I've been waiting for since book one. For saving time within the movie, it's ok to be cut, but in terms of enjoyment - I really wanted to see that scene on the big screen.

The movie progresses nicely and we get to Harry's first "lesson" with Dumbledore, where we see Dumbledore visiting Tom Riddle in his orphanage. No earlier memory of his mother, grandfather and uncle in the shack - something that is definitely necessary in the next book. In the book, Harry's lessons with Dumbledore are to help him learn about Voldemort and how to defeat him. In the movie, these moments are glossed over, showing only 2 memories in the entire movie and no discussion of additional Horcruxes beyond the one they seek out at the end of the movie.

Harry and Ginny's relationship was also pared down to tension-filled encounters and a tiny kiss in the Room of Requirement. This was also a necessary plot device - the small amount of time he had with her in the book, being happy, confiding in her - it gives Harry more reason to continue on after Dumbledore's death, it gives him motivation to try to get rid of Voldemorte, so he can be free and normal after Voldemorte's gone. Not to mention that Harry thinks Ginny's hot and he's a boy, after all. :)

The scene where Ginny and Harry kiss is also a disappointment for another reason - in the movie, Ginny is helping Harry hide his Potions book in the Room of Requirement so no one will ever find it. In the book, Harry is hiding this book alone and he hides it in a cabinet, covering it up with a bust of an old wizard and puts a tiara on his head, so he can find it later. This scene is crucial in Deathly Hallows because the tiara turns out to be a Horcrux. How is Harry supposed to know where to find it if he's busy snogging Ginny? It's only going to make for awkward re-telling in Deathly Hallows' movie version.

No Tonks and Lupin - an unnecessary attack/ambush at the Wesley's house - no Ginny/Harry breakup at the end - NO FUNERAL/REMEMBRANCE FOR DUMBLEDORE - no stalking of Harry by the new Minister of Magic - no Order of the Phoenix - no attack of Bill by Fenrir Greyback - and the final scene of the movie had Harry and Hermione talking in a tower of the castle with Ron just off to the side. Not a single line from him. What the hell?? I admit, in the movies previous, there's has been a bit of shunting to the side for Ron's character. But it was blatant at the end - the core of the HP series is Harry, Ron and Hermione's friendship. I felt this scene was really unjust to Ron's character.

Everything that I loved about this book was snipped and resized to be bits and pieces of a movie. If I had never read the books, I probably would have liked it a lot. I won't deny that it was good and I did enjoy it. It just wasn't what it should have been. HBP was so different from the books before it - except for the fact that it was a book about wizards, it was very real. A book about kids at school, going about their normal routines, liking boys/girls, complaining about schoolwork and teachers, playing sports - intermixed with very real and scary things. Terrorist attacks on their friends' family's, government reports and safety warnings, being searched at school for dangerous items. In the middle just happened to be a story about a boy who is the only one who can save them.

Yes, it's not the greatest book that was ever written and it's pure fairy tale with real-life reflections - but aside from all the escapist fun, it was a fairy tale that made me believe, maybe, just maybe, if this were real, there would be a majority of people who would sacrifice their lives in the same way, for the good of everyone. This movie did not make me feel that - I merely wished for more popcorn.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Eating for 1 vs. Eating for 1/2 of 1

I've never been a person who "dieted". It was always an evil word and an evil philosophy to me - starve yourself to fit into a certain size? No thanks, I'd rather have a cheeseburger. I abhorred the idea of being one of those girls who ate salads at every meal - I like salads, but they are the first course or the side dish that complements the REAL meal.

(Yes, yes, here comes the disclaimer - I've been tall and rather thin most of my life. Yes, I have nothing to complain about because I'm still within my BMI. But this is a blog, not an article on eating disorders in the Post, so I'm going to keep going.)

Until lately, that is. I have since become a quasi-dieter. I signed up for Weight Watchers a few weeks ago, to help lose some of the weight I gained with Belle and Baz. It's a good program, stressing small portions, lots of veggies and fruit and water, and they have lots of resources. I have been doing well - lost 7lbs. since June 21st. I've also been ramping up the exercise.

But the lazy person inside of me, who doesn't care if I get tired walking up stairs or if I have a huge bowl of ice cream before bed is annoyed with me. She reasons with me when I'm at my most vulnerable - early afternoon and after the kids are asleep. "Hey," she whispers. "There is ice cream in the freezer in the basement. It would taste SO good right now, while you're sitting in bed, watching True Blood. It would just be a little treat." Or driving around with the kids, running errands and driving past a favorite restaurant like California Tortilla or Red Robin and just not wanting to go home and make myself a healthy turkey sandwich with the awesome pears we just got at the store and a glass of milk. It's good, I love it, but somehow, it's just not as satisfying.

I'm all for healthy body image - losing 10-20lbs is not a life-and-death thing for me. I'll be ok if I'm this weight for the rest of my life, if I can at least control the landslide. :) It's also awesome to have a goal, like not having my child pull up my shirt, poke me in the belly and say, giggling, "Your tummy is squishy, Mommy," or to worry about whether or not I'm mooning the neighbors at our pool when I climb out after swimming with the family. It's frustrating that I'm so weak. Damn this human fallibility.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Sucker-punched by the bureaucracy

Hello. It's a bit obvious that I'm not very good at the blogging here's my attempt to restart.

I am jobless again, as of Friday - while I don't really want to go into details, because it sucked, I'm a little relieved. All the balls that were in the air in regard to my responsibilities, any issues my kids had, where my oldest was going to start school - they fell to the ground and I didn't care. The pressure is off. Belle will go to school down the street, just like I did when I was growing up, and she'll do great. For now, we'll have the summer off to do as we please - playdates, days at the pool, our own cool fields trips and then we head to the Outer Banks in August.

The weather has been great, thank goodness. However, it's just started to get to that sticky, nasty, humid-hot. We finally caved and turned on the AC. We lasted until the second week of July! Not bad at all...especially with the electric bill being so low right now.

Baz's birthday is soon - can't believe he's turning 3. He's obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine - he knows all the engines, what color they are and what number they are. He plays with them with Anabelle and by himself. Such a big boy. Anabelle will be 6 in the fall and we went to the elementary school to register her today. Incredible. Didn't I just give birth to her? Now she's tall and sweet and explaining things she learns at school like how caterpillars are baby butterflies and that botany is the study of plants. They are such amazing kids, they can't be mine.

And I hear one of them screaming my name...until next time. :)


Saturday, May 16, 2009


Hello readers and passersby -

Sorry the long wait between posts. I hurt my back about two weeks ago and have been visiting the chiropractor and lying on ice packs along with all the usual comings and goings. Still shuttling my daughter back and forth to school each day, which takes about 45 minutes both ways not including major DC traffic happenings. Still job searching - a post with a school down the road from the school I used to work for sent me a rejection letter and that's the only interview I've been on since losing my job. However, a little bit of hope came my way on Wednesday - I have a job interview for this Wednesday.

I've had some ideas for blog posts as well as an idea for a couple of short stories - I don't want to say anything about the ideas, as when I usually say anything, the wind leaves the sails and all creative momentum is lost. I've started some work and as usual, things get in the way, but I'm trying to make sure I don't forget about it completely. The blog posts at least will be up soon - maybe a bit of the stories if I get up the nerve.

Until then. :)


Wednesday, May 6, 2009


And now for something not relevant to anything going on anywhere in the world at all...

I'm drinking a glass of red wine (Cabernet Sauvignon) with a bowl of apple cinnamon generic Cheerios for dinner.

Yes, I realize how horrible that sounds. It's actually not bad.

This is, however, a perfect reflection of the Way Things Go around here. At least once or twice a weeknight, the evening has been such chaos for one reason or another, that I'm throwing together whatever seems convenient before going to bed for a Dead Man's sleep (that is, dead-to-the-world-sleep where you fall asleep and then, it seems, are just as quickly awake at 6am). I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, with or without kids.

Currently, the Way Things Go around here involves a special bathtime ritual for my daughter, who has eczema, hockey playoffs (Go Wings! Go Caps!), making two round-trip drives to my daughters' school to drop her off, come home, go pick her up later and come home yet again (during prime DC area traffic times when I'm already driving 2 suburbs away) and trying to do job searches and fill out job applications while entertaining a very physical and excitable almost-3-year-old.

A little crazy...

Also in the midst of all of this, last night my neighbors were having a mini-Rave/Techno music studio session at 2:30am right next to my son's room. It was a very early day today. Once my son wakes up, he won't go back down until I'm with him, which is something we're working on. I have no shame in saying I woke my husband up and told him to go next door and yell at our neighbors, since I couldn't do it myself. Also, today Tom told me they were piggy-backing on our house wireless network. Nice.

Oh, yes, did I mention wine makes me a bit rambly?

Friday, May 1, 2009


On a nightly basis, this is where you will find me between about 7:45 - 9:30pm on average. Sitting up against my son's crib in the dark, listening to music on my iPod and catching up on the "news" or writing on my laptop. All while holding my son's hand, through the bars of the crib until he falls asleep. I leave his room every night with the indentation of the bar slats in small, red strokes down my wrist and forearm.

I complain about this ritual consistently - "If only he could fall asleep on his own!" The time I would get back! The soreness of my back and ass could go away! He would get more sleep, not having my left hand to play with and kiss, like lovey - and I would lose the ability to type REALLY well with one hand (seriously, I'm freakishly good at it now).

Secretly? I love it. I love the way his fat little fingers hold my hand, sometimes just my index finger, sometimes squeezing the whole bunch. I love how when he's upset, he strokes my thumb's fingernail like a prayer bead - again and again and again. When he's wide-awake and I'm exhausted, ready for him to just magically pass out - I love the little games that he plays with my fingers and whatever toy currently has his fancy that he must sleep with. Right now, it's his Thomas trains.

Ok, I totally admit it - sometimes I even look forward to this time. It can be great - alone in the dark, having time almost to myself and reading or writing down a new idea. Or just listening to the sounds out his open window when the weather is nice and the wind is breezing through and his breathing is slow and soft and content...

When he's been read to and cuddled, kissed goodnight and laid down on his pillow, his little voice calling, "I want your hand, Mommy," it's just the sweetest sound.

It was the same way with my daughter - we had the same ritual. Reading time, then some cuddle time, kisses and hugs and goodnights and then - "Mommy, will you snuggle me?" Who the hell can say no to that?

Guess when she started going to sleep on her own?

Just a few weeks ago.

I'm doomed to be happily tortured every evening from 8-9 for at least another year or two.

Field Day

Just back from a field trip with my daughter's kindergarten class. Lots of fun in the woods. It was a Field Day at Lake Fairfax with all the trimmings - picnic outside, singing patriotic songs while accompanied by acoustic guitar (This Land is Your Land), playing Tug of War and Sharks & Minnows (which I think is just Capture the Flag) and plenty of hiking. My daughter had a blast. My son, who is younger, came as well and had fun making me chase after him. He thought it was very cool to hang out with the big kids.

I was let go from my job almost 2 weeks ago and while it's been sucky and stressful - it was really nice to be free today and to just hang out with my kids on a school trip. Instead of having to worry about when I'd have to be back to work, we were just playing and having fun.

The being-laid-off thing has been a huge curve ball...our situation has been ideal for so long and of course, everything was set up perfectly in regards to having manageable school care for the kids while still bringing home some kind of income. I suppose it was only a matter of time before fate threw a wrench into the whole thing. I don't have a problem with change, per se - I have a problem with writing resumes and filling out applications.

It's a very humbling experience - almost depressing. Taking a good, hard look at your working life and realizing, "Wow. I haven't done a damn thing." It's especially difficult since I've never finished college - one thing or another, usually having to do with money, always got in the way. Nothing like getting knocked down further when you're trying to pull yourself up.

Thank goodness for days like today, when the most important thing in the world to your daughter is having her mommy come on her class trip. Also right up there is having your son kiss your boo-boo's - right after he's done giving you the boo-boo's. :) (We call him Tank)


Thursday, April 30, 2009

Inaugural Blog...or Bog...or...something clever, anyway...

So, I have a blog. (insert party horn noises, imagine confetti being thrown) Woo!

Ok, now what?

I have people who pretend to listen to me in real life - they're called my children. In cyperspace or Internet-topia or wherever this is, no one "pretends" to read blogs that they don't like to be polite. They just don't read them. Why should mine be different? I'm not famous in any way - let's make it simple and post a list of reasons why this blog probably won't be read. It'll be fun.

#1 - I'm not a professional athlete. This blog will not be used to make excuses for poor play, off-the-field problems that affect play or to bitch about the poor play of teammates as the reason why my team sucks. Same for complaining about referees. Though I might occasionally complain about my Detroit Lions, because even though I love them, they really do suck.

I can absolutely guarantee there will be gloating about the upcoming fantasy football season, where I will be defending my championship as the only girl player in the league, against mostly my husband and his friends. Suck it, boys!

#2 - I'm not a singer/actor/person who is not talented who is famous for no reason. No "accidental" postings of my cell phone contact list, which is not cool at all, unless you want my kids' pediatricians' number. No random blogs with me foisting my politics onto you or enticing you to donate to my charity. Though I might be able to get some friends to post nude pictures - I just can't guarantee that they will be of them.

#3 - I'm not a politician or someone who works for FoxNews, CNN, MSNBC or any other "trusted news source." No politics here. Or as they should be called "Overpaid Professional 3-year-olds." Wait, that's insulting 3-year-olds...they aren't able to reason yet. why should you read? Well, you don't have to. But here's what you'll find if you do - I'm a regular person with a regular life and regular problems who is occasionally funny (or so I'm told). Occasional lowbrow humor, stories about my family and crazy people I encounter.

In other words, a blog like any other - self-centered. :)