Thursday, August 16, 2012

You're a Hooker, I'm a Slut and We're All Drug Addicts

Welcome to the end of the world and it's all women's fault. Moms are staying out late, going out with other moms to have drinks. Our magical lady parts that have the power to control men's thoughts (or so I'm told) are to blame. Instead of being at home, cleaning something, we are out of the house, dressed nicely and drinking alcoholic drinks. After bedtime! On a school night! What is our country coming to?
The 40-Year-Old Reversion by Amy Sohn, www.theawl.com
But according to one writer, some mothers in a New York suburb are taking this one step further and ruining it for everyone else. Amy Sohn, a writer looking for publicity for her new book, wrote a titillating article about her adult social activities, written as though it was no big deal:
"Once a month I get together with half a dozen moms from Park Slope and Carroll Gardens. We call ourselves Hookers, Sluts and Drug Addicts."
“Why do moms in my generation regress, whether by drugging, cheating, or going out too late and too often? Because everything our children thrive on—stability, routine, lack of flux, love, well-paired parents—feels like death to those entrusted with their care… In flux, jaded by parenthood, confused about work and life, mothers are bored. So we rebel, just like bored adolescents—except adolescents, at least, can say they are acting their age.”
Is this not what they signed up for, with marriage and parenthood? Am I supposed to believe that they have no control over their lives? I call BS - forgive me if I don't understand the controversy over this piece. Because this article (and the response written on CNN.com) is just another excuse to exploit women.
(Full disclosure: I'm a mother of 2 children under 10, married for 9 years to the same guy; we live in the suburbs of a large city and I have a full-time job.)
I don't understand  because, whether or not the "article" by Ms. Sohn is based in fact, it reads like the first draft of a pilot TV episode. It would be called "Bored Parents of the New Millennium.” No topic would remain untouched - wives cheating on husbands because they feel unappreciated, husbands soliciting women online because their wives are too tired for sex. Everyone going to the neighborhood block party - while the teenagers try to hide behind someone's house and make out, the adults are in the neighbor's driveway, smoking pot and thinking about switching spouses for the night. Maybe their teenage daughter can have the same pot dealer - it’s her teacher! It’s so wacky but so - real!
Notice an important part: while the article is called "The 40-Year Reversion", its focus is on the mothers in the article, despite the presence of more than a handful of jaded dads. Why are we shaking our fingers at the moms and just barely noticing the dads behaving badly? Women are scolded for “trying to act like men” but the guys are just relegated to being ignored for “acting like cavemen.” Oh, but that’s what men do. It’s a miracle when a man acts like a decent guy and a moral travesty when a woman isn’t a saint.
Moms gone wild: '40-year-old reversion' By Shanon Cook, CNN, Sat July 28, 2012
The response article on CNN.com by Shanon Cook was fairly level-headed. While speculating whether or not Ms. Sohn's article was fact or fiction, she agreed to disagree with the stance that "all parents" are just like this. Everyone is looking for an escape from their unhappy marriage, nonstop parenting schedule and dirty dishes? Not so much. But for those that are unhappy, this behavior is nothing new. Shocking - people have been making poor choices since Adam and Eve. Cook makes the reasonable case that you can be in a committed relationship, be a responsible parent and still be yourself.
Being yourself means you still need time to do your own things - to write, to see friends, to see a band, to run 5ks, whatever you like to do. Yes, marriage and kids are a responsibility - there is more selflessness required than selfishness allowed. They go hand-in-hand. But that doesn't mean you can't still be who you are. If you're chained to the grindstone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in Mommy mode, I would entirely expect that you to be desperate for something, anything that gives you a release.
Again, this article zeroes in on the moms - "Moms Gone Wild", it's called. Not "Parents Gone Wild." It’s again a given that the dads could act this way, but it’s against everything that mothers are supposed to be - innocent, incorruptible teachers and caregivers of our children. Being a parent isn’t “really” Dad’s job – it’s primarily Mom’s. Dads of the world, you should be offended by this article just as much as the moms.
But the people described in the "article" written by Ms. Sohn come across as simply impulse driven. I would wonder why Ms. Sohn would choose to hang out with them (if they exist), but considering she is likely making money off their caricatures, maybe she thinks they have a lot in common. Every time I go back to read, they fade more and more, because they seem so fake. In that little world, all of their actions seem reasonable because no common sense exists there. Or maybe we should consider occam's razor – (from Wikipedia) “other things being equal, a simpler explanation is better than a more complex one” – that these people just don’t like their kids, their spouses or themselves (yea, I went there). If that’s true, I’ve got to say – that makes me really sad.
I love my children - they are sweet and quirky. My son cuddles a mechanical train next to his stuffed dog at bedtime. My daughter writes letters to a fairy she believes lives in our backyard. I don't just love them, I like them. My husband and I, we drive them to school, we watch them spar or practice weapons (Yes, weapons!) at martial arts class. We spend time together as a family; we go out to dinner with other families, we have play dates with friends; we play board games together. We work on homework together and I still read to them before bed (and I write the fairy letters to my daughter).
I also like going on dates with my husband alone or we go out to see a band with friends while the kids spend the night at Grandma's. Or my husband and I take turns - I go out with friends to a movie and drinks while he stays in one night. Another night, my husband goes out to see one of his best friends play guitar at a club and the kids and I are having pizza night at home. He has to have a life, too.
Bottom line: We are far from perfect. But I love my children and my husband; they always come first. But I am also still me - I am allowed to have my own pursuits. Having a life makes me a better mother and wife. I am giving my kids, especially my daughter, a great example - how to be a functional adult woman who can choose to be who she wants, who doesn't need drugs, sex with strangers or any other shocking jolts of stimulation to get through the day. I don't need an impulse thrill because I'm happy. And that scares the shit out of the unhappy people.

3 comments:

  1. Wonderful post. But I am commenting because of the following argument:

    "Being yourself means you still need time to do your own things - to write, to see friends, to see a band, to run 5ks, whatever you like to do."

    What if the person you are isn't all that good or true or right in the first place? I've met very few decent people in this world. Many of the good ones that I have met weren't always good people, and the ones that aren't good people fight like hell to stay that way after marriage and after kids by insisting on being "themselves."

    In my view, identity is a plastic, fluid concept. Who we are today isn't who we were yesterday and what we want or like isn't necessarily good. Narcissism is rampant and is often the source of personal discontent and neglect or abuse towards others.

    When I got married, I retained my premarital identify and stayed true to who I was, and my wife suffered for it. When my son was born I suddenly realized that I was no longer the main character in the narrative of my life. The awesome responsibilities of being a father forced me to become a better husband and a better citizen because that is what I needed to model to give him the best chance of becoming a better man than me.

    I don't miss the old me. And I don't miss insisting on behaviors designed to impress the universe with my individuality. I gained a fairly solid measure of happiness and contentment when I realized and fully accepted that I was part of something bigger than myself and more important than my personal wants or needs. I am shocked so few feel the same.

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  2. "In my view, identity is a plastic, fluid concept. Who we are today isn't who we were yesterday and what we want or like isn't necessarily good. "

    I agree with your comments. When I'm without my husband or children, that doesn't mean that I'm shedding my identity as a mother and wife. That is still who I am - and the activities I choose to engage in aren't so I can return to feeling like a single person. I agree that people change and evolve with time, but my personal change and evolution hasn't ruled out a majority of my interests. I enjoyed reading at 7 years, 15, 25 and to this day. However, I was never one to go out to concerts or club shows in the past - but after I met my husband, he showed me how enjoyable it can be. We are now supporters of our friends in local bands - and its not an excuse to go out and get drunk, like it can be for groups of younger people.

    This is taking for granted that we have a fairly active social life - when we really don't. :) Our children are our primary focus, so when we're not at work or home, or at an activity like martial arts or Girl Scouts or swim and dive team, we're doing things as a family. I would say that my husband and I have an occasion to go out separately with friends maybe once a month. Or we go out on a date once a month. Babysitters can cost a good chunk of money and the kids' grandmother is a wonderfully active lady with her own friends and activities. So more often than not, our activities are as a family - our favorite summer activity is hanging at our local pool with other families. Swimming, everyone contributes food for a potluck and we all laugh and grill and have fun together as families. It is one of my favorite ways to spend our time - I can laugh and play in the water with my kids or swim with my husband during the adult swim time and then go up to the picnic tables under a tent and talk with the other parents.

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  3. Fair warning: empty nest syndrome is real. I had no idea how much I would miss my son when he went away to college in another state.

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